On Humility, Mindfulness, and Assumptions.

Mindfulness.  Being mindful.  Being aware of who you are, what you say, what you do and how you do it.  Every time I think I'm doing it, every time I think it's getting easier, Loki laughs at me, and Odin lets me make an example out of myself.

I was so full of myself yesterday.  I was proud of myself.  I had spoken about how I was working on being the person I wanted to be, of living up to the expectations of others.

Over the last seven years, I have constantly tried to climb out of the hole I put myself in.  Scrabbling at the dirt, sometimes gaining the lip of the crater, every once in a while, even getting an elbow or two out onto the grass.  Hey, it's pretty up here.  I should try to get out of the hole.  But every time, I reached too far, or pushed too hard, and slipped.

Until this past six months.  This past six months, I made good career building choices and followed through on them.  I lost thirty pounds, I got back into the SCA, I started writing music again, and I made some excellent new friends.  My fencing has improved.  My poetry is better.  I feel happier about myself and my skills and my accomplishments.

And then yesterday, I made an assumption, did an about face, and walked right back into the hole.

It's not important who I've offended, or how.  I've apologized, and sworn to do better, sworn to make recompense.

It's not good enough.

In my Knightly Virtues Cycle, I wrote about Humility, and I joked that it's "Knightly" Humility, which is different, of course, than "regular" humility, and there's something actually to that, but Humility, I lack it.  I lack it a lot.  There's something in me I need to fix, something that automatically thinks "this thing is now about me."  It's not.  Most things are not about me.  At best, some things might be about me AND someone else.

Perhaps it is my eagerness.  Perhaps it is my desire to be liked and respected.  But lacking humility and mindfulness doesn't get me there.

I thought I was doing better.  That was just my pride.  That was just my arrogance.  That was me falling back into the hole.


I must be self aware. I must be humble.  I must be mindful.